Work

Be the best you can be.

It's what we are always told. But this once phrase can make people insane.
How do I know what my best is? What am I really capable of? Can I push myself any harder?

So through constant pushing I have realised that sometimes it's so much easy to
STOP
Breathe
Relax
& Start again.

Public Apology

I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.
I love you and I can't stand this.
Me not talking was due to shock. I was upset, I was meshing everything togther in my mind and it was overpowering. It was uncomfortable.
But in no way shape or form do I want this to end. Even if you do. Even if your feelings towards me have changed. I'm not gonna give up. I wish you could forgive me, I wish it could be that simple. Obviously it's not. However, I don't want to push my self onto you. So tell me yay or nay. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want.
Love muchly,
Renata.

Regret

I've been feeling a lot of it lately.
I regret not saying something.
I regret saying too much.
I regret not being a part of it.
I regret being a part of it.
You can never have it both ways.

OneHundred;

You know what's also frustrating.
I wasted my 100th post on you.

Change

It's amazing how we change,
the clothing, the hairstyles, the weight.
But somethings will always stay the same.
Mainly the fact that I love you; ♥

Deceit.

Why are you so sneaky?

What are you planning?

I don't feel as though I can trust you.

talking to you is hard,

some thing's missing.

it's awkward.

I.WISH.YOU.COULD.TELL.ME.WHAT'S.RUNNING.THROUGH.YOUR.MIND

I.THOUGHT.YOU.TRUSTED.ME

tell me wha'ts wrong.

Mocha

What makes you a teenager?
Is it your first layered hair cut? Or your first pair of heels?
Ability to wear makeup? Go to the city by yourself?
Go out at night time? Drinking tea and coffee?
First kiss? First crush? First boyfriend? Own money? Own job?
Learner's permit?

Well I've pretty much had all those things
But today, I discovered the mocha.
It was absolutely amazing :) and I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship.

It's funny how things change from when your younger. As a child, I hated sleeping in but now, it's not so bad. I'll never be a person that sleeps till 10 am, but 8.30 is a milestone for me. A friend once told me a story, when she was younger she asked her older cousin why she sleeps in, the answer simply was that when your a teenage, you'll understand. She laughed, but now, we both understand.

I always want what I can't have.

I saw you the other day, you hair glittered in the sunlight and I recognised you from a long distance away. The memories stirred inside me, the thoughts began overtaking my mind. And as I approached, I wondered if you felt like that about me. I'm sorry, I really am. I wish we could start over. And as you walked away and did your own thing, I saw you look back at me.
I don't know why, maybe you weren't even looking, just staring off into an oblivion, maybe you didn't recognise me.
But our eyes met, but they parted just as fast.

I want to take it all back.I regret what I did.I wish I hadn't stuffed it all up. I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter now.
It's too late.
I always want what I can't have.

Nobody's perfect,

and sometimes it's difficult to accept that you aren't either.

Re run

I haven’t used this blog in a while, didn’t really feel the need – but now, those feelings of hatred, passion, anger, self doubt - all that has returned. In six months, I haven’t felt the need to blog, nothing has annoyed me, school didn’t stress me out, and there was no drama. Stupidly, I wished for excitement, for some drama in my life. I was, however, oblivious to the fact that with this wish the uncomfortable feeling inside me returns as well, the black pointy one that lives right between my chest and stomach, slowly stabbing my insides as I breathe.
So, first of all – I don’t fit. The jig saw puzzler has been complete, except for that one random piece. As hard as you try it won’t fill the empty space and then you realise it doesn’t even belong with the puzzle at all. I’m that piece. As hard as I try, I won’t fill the space, the random on the outside looking in and never really being a part of it. Also, I feel uncomfortable with myself, socially inept, constant word vomit as I feel uncomfortable at the slightest silence. I don’t know what’s happened; I’m constantly paranoid, as though everyone is leaving me behind and I don’t like it one little bit. And what was once a special bond no longer exists, out spot, our secrets, it no longer exists because the two worlds that weren’t supposed to ever exist together have merged and I am no longer a part of either. I no longer know anything about either of you and this blossoming friendship tears me up on the inside, because what you once confined in me, you tell to her. I’m no longer a part of the inside jokes, the fun times, the secrets – I’m just the random staring in form the outside. But what hurts most is that I’m getting stuck in the position I never wanted to be in, the one I vowed I would break away from when I started high school, but I’ve tried and I couldn’t and now, everyone else is doing it for me. I’m confused, I’m angry and I feel hurt and that’s why I’m writing this blog, because these feelings have returned.