I haven’t used this blog in a while, didn’t really feel the need – but now, those feelings of hatred, passion, anger, self doubt - all that has returned. In six months, I haven’t felt the need to blog, nothing has annoyed me, school didn’t stress me out, and there was no drama. Stupidly, I wished for excitement, for some drama in my life. I was, however, oblivious to the fact that with this wish the uncomfortable feeling inside me returns as well, the black pointy one that lives right between my chest and stomach, slowly stabbing my insides as I breathe.
So, first of all – I don’t fit. The jig saw puzzler has been complete, except for that one random piece. As hard as you try it won’t fill the empty space and then you realise it doesn’t even belong with the puzzle at all. I’m that piece. As hard as I try, I won’t fill the space, the random on the outside looking in and never really being a part of it. Also, I feel uncomfortable with myself, socially inept, constant word vomit as I feel uncomfortable at the slightest silence. I don’t know what’s happened; I’m constantly paranoid, as though everyone is leaving me behind and I don’t like it one little bit. And what was once a special bond no longer exists, out spot, our secrets, it no longer exists because the two worlds that weren’t supposed to ever exist together have merged and I am no longer a part of either. I no longer know anything about either of you and this blossoming friendship tears me up on the inside, because what you once confined in me, you tell to her. I’m no longer a part of the inside jokes, the fun times, the secrets – I’m just the random staring in form the outside. But what hurts most is that I’m getting stuck in the position I never wanted to be in, the one I vowed I would break away from when I started high school, but I’ve tried and I couldn’t and now, everyone else is doing it for me. I’m confused, I’m angry and I feel hurt and that’s why I’m writing this blog, because these feelings have returned.
1 comment:
Oh reni.
I just wanted to let you know, I feel the same way. the total excluded, talked about regected feeling. the feeling when you know that girl is talking about you, or that guy thinks you're totally random. But we need to know that we will make it through. we must perseveer. we must hold true to the fact that inna few months time, none of it will matter. hold on to that, and it will get you through. just remember that once you leave school there will be another puzzle out there that will be missing one special reni-shaped piece and then you will find your place. we must remember that we are trying to make a place for ourselves in a place of 120, but out there, there are millions of places our puzzle piece can go.
Just hang in there
we'll get there in the end
Love
Your fairy Godmother
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