Outside looking in

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there

Not that high school musical song lyrics are the story of my life or anything, these just seem to fit so perfectly. I always feel I'm the last to know, last to be thought of, last to be cared about. It really hurts after a while, to realise that you're a nobody.

Last night,

you cried. And you cried becuase you have regrets. You cried because you knew that you didn't work to your full potential. That you wish you could go back and change things. I didn't, and I can honestly tell myself, that I closed a chapter last night. I read every single word, multiple times, and I possibly know each word by memort. There are no regrets, for me, I don't have to go back and change things, because that chapter is officially closed. I'm content, I'm ready, I'm ready to progress to greater and bigger things. I wish everyone was though, because it hurts when other people cry.

night time

night time can be scary. when we were little, there were monsters underneath our beds. when we got older, it was the scary man coming for us who would knock on our window. but the older we get we should fear going to sleep as we never know if we will wake up or not.

everything is risky. driving a car is risky, even though i do everything right - someone could crash into me and i might die.
walking in a park by myself is risky, there are all those bike path attackers and what not.
drinking to much is risky, you can lose your mind and do something you regret.
EVERYTHING is risky. kissing, sex, eating, drinking, drugs, driving, clubbing. everything.
i need to let go, i need to get rid of these irrational fears, its not normal.
i don't know what i'm afraid of. if everything is dangerous, that means nothing is.

The end is near

Not just the end of year twelve, or the end of school. The end of the year is close and compared to last year, I haven't really blogged at all. I sometimes think that my life is a joke - I go to school, work my butt off, have a few close friends and since recently, have to drink ou of plastic cups. Nothing interesting, at all. I've never been to a real wedding or a christening and I've never had a big family. I've never seen snow fall from the sky and I've never been able to let go and just relax. It's as though I can't overstep the line, I'm scared to over step the line.
I want to over step the line, I want to do something I've never done before, and hopefully I do it before the end of this year. I'm sick of not living and things have to change.

The kindness of a stranger

I walked into a public toilet, crying.
There was a woman in there, who I had never seen before.
I looked at her, but turned away, ashamed and closed the cubicle door.
After a while, she asked, "Excuse me, are you okay" and I answered, "Yeah, I'm fine". She told me she was going through some stuff too and that she knew what it felt like and for some strange reason, I felt comforted as through everything was fine. I don't know her name or anything but she was a good person. And there should be more good people out there. I'm not sure if I could have asked a stranger if they were alright, I would have felt intrusive, but I'm glad she didn't. So now, everything's fine and whatever I was crying about is irrelevant, because in all honesty it was hell stupid and I only made a fool of myself.

I'm ready

To leave this comfort zone we call school. It's all I've known for twelve years, but I'm ready.
I'm ready to move on because I've already detached myself. I've already mentally graduated. There is no more love anymore. There is no dependency for me anymore and since no one needs me, the time has come to move on. I feel like your restricting me from what I really want and I don't want to hurt you so I just smile and nod. There's so much more I am capable of, so much more. I think this is the end, I think it's time to say goodbye.

Grudge

You have made my whole life miserable. You've hated me ever since I could remember and I don't know what I did. I was scared of you. I was afraid and you knew that, you knew that very well. It hurt me inside, when you called me a fat cow and tried to recruit my friends as your friends. Those people aren't really your friends - there's no trust, no love, no happiness. Parents always say people pick on you cause they are jealous, I don't think you were jealous though, you just hated me. I remember when I had been away for a very long time and I had been in an accident, I didn't want to go back in case you were there. My stomach was doing tumble turns at the very though of seeing you, but it turned out you hugged me and it was genuine and I reconsidered my opinion. However, I don't know what happened as you went back to hating me and stealing all my friends. Be a real person for once.