I wanted to cry last night

I felt alone, because of the empty, pointless conversation.
I felt scared, in case I get caught out.
I felt sick, because of what had happened.
I felt stressed, because of school.
I felt angry, because you don't seem to understand me.

I still feel unhappy this morning, I just want it to be holidays. I want everyone to feel relaxed, that way I won't misinterpret the negative vibes. I want it all to be over, but most of all, I want my best friend. I want to take pointless photos and stay up all night, I want to eat sugar and laugh over nothing. I hate that you live so far away and that the term takes 10 weeks, cause that is 10 weeks that I can't do this stuff with you.

Pressure

Pressure, turns coal into diamonds.
We all want to be diamonds, but in all honesty, none of us are coal.
We are gem stones - rubies, sapphires or emeralds. We might not be pristine and always desired but we are all beautiful in our own way. We might not be flawless like diamonds, each of us have imperfections and faults we might want to change. But in all honesty, if all of us were diamonds, then these rocks would lose their value and no longer be special. If all of us were diamonds, life would be boring and none of us would be desired.
Stop trying to make a diamond, there is only a certain amount of pressure I can take.
Stop thinking that I have to be the best stone, when what I am currently is perfectly fine. Stop suggesting that you want something more pristine, more beautiful, more amazing - simply so you can gloat.
I'm not a diamond, nor do I want to be. I'm happy the way I am and if I am starting to flaw, I'll polish myself, don't you worry about that.

The grass is greener on the other side

We've put it behind us, we've moved on. Then why can't we be civil?
Acting like this won’t get us anywhere, we need to accept it and wish each other well.
Neither of us can hang onto this and even though fake happiness might be the worst happiness of all – it is appropriate for this situation.
With loss comes gain and with gain comes loss.
You win some, you lose some.

And it's the whole grass is greener on the other side, and the grass has been greener for a long amount of time.
I’ve wanted to try this for a long time, except it kind of happened in a way I didn’t anticipate. What happened wasn’t meant to happen but it’s in the past now. Let’s turn these words into actions and smile when we see each other walking past. Let’s at least say ‘hey’ and be able to have a laugh.

Anti-procrastination

I am going to be productive today.
Enough said.

Cocoon

Lately, I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with what I had become, I didn't like it one bit, so I tried to remove myself from that situation. But with this whole 'finding yourself'' thing I've been distracted and now I'm scared I'm not working hard enough.

In all honesty, this is year twelve and I've heard people say, 'Screw my parents, they don't know anything. I'm not going to try anymore and rebel. See if I care if I fail'. However, what I found most shocking is that people think that having a social life and failing will make you happy. Well it might make you happy now, but the whole purpose of year twelve is to get to uni and not become a cleaner. To make things for yourself later on. I don't know what thoughts are going through my mind right now, but they aren't thoughts associated with motivation or working hard. I'm scared that I'm not taking things seriously enough.

I didn't like what I was, I don't like what I am right now and if I don't change I won't like what I will be. I want my old self back, the happy me, the relaxed me. I'm in transition at the moment and that mostly indicates that I will be lonely, I might be there but I might not fit straight away and until I do, it will be hard. I'm going from a caterpillar to a butterfly, but right now, I'm in a cocoon. But in essence, a cocoon is a lonely place. And I'm scared that with holidays coming up, I will be forgotten and left alone in my cocoon. I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to be lonely or awkward. I just want to be accepted and loved, like anyone else.

New start

All I want is a new start.
If only I could redo high school again and know everything I know now.
Should have taken the oppurtunities when they arrised, should of trusted my intuition, should have given it a go later on. It's really sad that I'm only learning some of these things now, in my final year, half way through my final year, when it's really too late to change things. I know that next year will be a new start and I can start from scratch but will I want the same things then as I do now. We shall wait and see I suppose.

Adoption

We all need an adopted family -
Where your best friend is like your sister, when her mum treats you like her own kid. When you can just walk into their house unexpected. Their house is like your second home, you've been there so many times that it feels comfortable. As though you can stick your feet up on the table and raid their fridge. You know the way to their house like it's written on the back of your hand and you always get fed. I like my adopted family :)

Today.

Today, I was Hyroden.
And I bonded with Chlorine.
We held hands and walked around the school dissolving things as though we were an acid.
It was suprisingly fun.

Today, I coloured in with crayons.
I drew love hearts in my maths book.
It was suprisingly fun.

Today, I watched pointless clips in music.
And laughed at stupid things.
I got no work done.
It was suprisingly fun.

Today, we took a big group photo.
We squished eachother into a large pile.
There was a lot of yelling, especially inappropraite comments.
It was suprisingly fun.

Today, was a fun day.
But it didn't feel right.
I want to fix this, but I don't know how.