You're a part of me

You make me happy;
:)

But I haven't talked to you for a while
& that makes me sad;
:(


- this is what happens when you spend too much time with people

Holidays

Thankyou to Emi, Claud, MK, Millz, B, Lol, Madi, Jacinta, Emma, Lala, Bec, Bec, Erin & Gabe. You made my birthday special, fun, something that I will remember. I'm glad that you guys had fun and I'm glad that I could share my sweet 16th with you.
I was anticipating my party, having those feelings that something would go wrong, that turning 16 will change me. But, that party made me realise that having an Alice in wonderland theme; something that I have loved through my childhood and something that I still love, it reiterated to me that getting older doesn't mean that I can have fun. That I can't laugh anymore, that I can't dress up anymore, that I can't play games anymore. It most certainly does not mean any of those things and I proved that, my friends helped me prove that and I'm happy. I'm still the same person, just older.
I always do this though, worry about silly things. So for now, no more worrying. Just gonna use these holidays to do what I need. To do the things that I have been avoiding and the things that have been pushed a side. Things like tidying up my room and fixing up my photos on my walls, practicing piano and trying to learn endings to songs, completing chapters in my theory book, going shopping and buying clothes, having a sleep over with my best friend. I just want to take some time out and sit in my favourite spot and listen to music and just relax, I don't really wanna go out or organise group outings, maybe just some one on one but I just want to concentrate on me for once. Not bend over backwards to please everyone, but just to chill and be happy. Be content with my life and feel satisfied.

Sweet 16th

I'm 16 today,
Quite excited, quite happy, quite sad too.
But oh well, it's just a number - I'm still the same person on the inside.
Wii Fit wished me a happy birthday this morning, made me smile haha.
I'm looking forward to tonight - spending the night with all my wonderful friends :)
Love you all btw, you really do brighten up my day

Afraid

Ive been drafting blogs for the last couple of days - just unable to post them. I can't say what I want to say and it's frustrating. I feel as though there is something bottled up inside of me. I feel happy though, that's the problem and it's so much harder to pin point. I'm not sure if it's associated with a fear of growing up or just a general 'something bad is going to happen'. I'm on edge, I'm alert, I don't want to let my gaurd down. My gut instinct is to keep watch and be aware. I also feel incomplete, like something is missing. I just want to fill that hole, just want to feel human.

Incomplete

There's something missing,
A part of the soul, a part of the personality, a part of the girl.
Happiness is there, pride is there, relief is there.
However, there seems to be a vital bit of her that is gone.
Her friends haven't changed and neither has she.
Her family is there same, her values are what they were.
But the girl is empty, she feels fake and that whatever used to take up that space inside her,
is gone.
It's as though that whatever it was made up a massive part of her, made her who she is, made her feel complete.
But that something, is gone. That something, is exactly that - a something, an unknown part of her which defines her.
Hopefully that part will be returned and make her feel complete once more. Maybe, then she will feel excited.
Maybe then she will feel real.

Slight concussion

I ran into a building today, it was an accident of course.
But how dumb can I get?
My head hurts now though.

Brat

It
feels like
I've
lost
my
best friend.

Useless, pathetic child.
That's me.
Irresponsible, stupid.
Shouldn't be trusted with anything.

How
could
I let it
break?

How
could
I be so
careless?

I hate this feeling, this guilt, this clutz, this fool, this girl.
If I can't trust my self with something small
How do I expect myself to trust myself with something real, proper, meaningful.

Grow up, already.
Take responsibility, girl.
Use those eyes and figure out what's happening in the world around you.
Stop day dreaming, stop whatever your doing.
It's time to pay attention, it's time to be responsible.
No more shit, no more I'm innocent crap.
For crying out loud - your sixteen in a week.
You can't act like this at sixteen, you shouldn't even be acting like this at fifteen.
You should of stopped this a long time ago.
So get over yourself, use that damn brain of yours.
Learn already!
In the end, I spose you will always be a stupid girl.
Not smart enough to even be mature.
A useless piece of shit is what you are.
Your not deserving, your not worthy to get anything.
Learn to value what you've got, cause fuck, you've got it good.
You've got it so good.
Spoilt, little brat.
Can't even appreciate what you've got, truly pathetic.

Scales

There is one thing I despise and that is weight gain. That feeling I get when I see that I am heavier than I was. I shouldn't weigh this much. I can't weigh this much. It's not like I eat crap. I eat healthy, I eat small portions but somehow I've been gaining weight. It's not usual for me, I'm usual pretty good at maintaining weight. I just want to be lighter, cause with lighter come fitter and with fitter come happier. Tomorrow morning I am going for a run, I am going to push my self and make sure that I will never go back to being what I has. Cause, frankly I hated her and I never want to see her again.

Weeeeeee

I don't have much to say tonight,
I'm happy, that's about it :)

Recovery

It's been about two months,
two months since that night.
Thinking about that night that still makes the hairs on the back of my necks stand on end and makes my heart beat that little bit faster.
I don't really know what happened to me, I guess I thought I was fine. Turns out I was pretty wrong. I thought I could convince myself it was going to be alright, I tried to find a distraction, tried to be happy, tried to be strong, tried to over work myself to not be able to think about reality. It kinda made things worse, with the not eating, the stress, the not sleeping, the crying, the everything. I made myself into, that thing, that dead life less blob. I made myself into the depressed, the antisocial, the fatigue filled person I was. It started to take over, the stress, the tiredness, the feelings - it was all too much. I let myself go and I got sick, but now I'm getting over it. Not only is my body feeling better, but so is my mind. I can think again, I'm glad to know I have my brain back. I've been going downhill for a while but it wasn't till that last week that I started to notice, only began to realise what has been going on for two months. It's normal to go into a bit of depression after a shock event but now I feel better and not just better cause my cold is gone, but getting rid if that weight that was stopping me from living, stopping me from functioning, stopping me from being remotely human. So bye bye feelings of sadness and oppression and hello happiness.

I am going to do well this exam block -
I am going to work to the best of my ability and be happy - happy with myself and know that I worked to my full potential and if I don't do so well - there will be next time and it's not the end of the world.
There is no need to be so caught up with this, so stressed, so pressured.
Seriously, whatever happens happens.

Ready to give up,

I don't know what I'm feeling.
It's as though I have no feelings any more.
It's as though I want to give up and quit trying.
I don't feel worth it, this version of reality I'm living isn't worth it.
In the end I'm just a small insignificant part of this world.
It would function without me just fine.
It might be easier for everyone that way, if I just disappeared.
All I really want to do is stop.

It's that time again

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy.

It's starting to sink in - the physical exhaustion, the stress, the worry.
I just want to stop thinking, to relax to just breathe.

My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, all of me hurts.
I wish I could give up, gosh it would be so much easier.

I'm so tired but as much I sleep it doesn't help.
My brain feels like mush, it's not healthy to think so much.
My body is so weak, weak mind causes a weak body and I have a feeling I won't last.

I need to recharge currently there is more energy going out then there is going in.
Healthy food doesn't do it for me, neither does sugar or junk.
It's as though there is nothing that can help me now.
I just don't want to break down now, not yet, I've come so far.

It will happen soon, it nearly happened today.
I'm so drained, so empty, so dead.
I know that it's not going to pretty when it happens, but please, someone, anyone, be there for me.

But for now, I'm not giving up - I'm going to keep fighting, keep pushing and just hoping for the best.

Self worth

Today kinda started off on the wrong foot.
First with Ms Grumpy Pants got angry at me for nothing, don't you just hate that.
Then there was the self disappointment, which is worse than other people being upset or angry at you.
I can't stand being upset with myself, it's terrible.
It drives me insane and makes me doubt my self.
Doubt that I'm worth it, doubt that I am going to suceed.
I spose me blogging during Chemistry, will help me suceed but I just need to get this off my chest.
I feel sad, I feel useless and like a failure.
I tried, I tried really hard, but I still did bad.
And that's why I'm upset.

Ringlets

Does hair really affect our personalities, or is it just dead life less strands that hang from our heads.
I think my hair affects my personality alot, the curlier it is, the crazier I am.
I recently haven't shown my curly hair, just been wearing it a bun, but today I wore it in a pony tail.
A lovely pony tail, with ringlets and today I went insane.
I felt happy, I felt wild, I felt like laughing.
I haven't felt like this for an long time, and it was pointed out to me that the old me is back, I wasn't even aware that she left.
But this brings me back to semi night, when my hair was straight and I felt sensible, kinda plain and boring. My it's just me, but I really feel that it has the ability to affect my personality, but seriously its hair - it's dead.