FAIL.

I tried being tech saavy and thought, oh yeah I'll make my blog look awesome.

I screwed it up.

About a week's worth of thoughts

This month, has been a slow blogging month.
I've been busy but also I haven't had much to say.
I'm starting to feel better about stuff, about the illness, about her being here with us. It's hard though, seeing someone so ill, in so much pain, someone you love but can't help. Seeing someone like that everyday, knowing that you can't do anything - it hurts so much. I don't want to sound self centered or anything but I block it out. I try to concentrate on other things, so I don't have to deal with the pain. It's going to be worse though, when she's gone. The pain will be too strong, but I'm starting to come to terms with this gradual down fall. I'm learning to understand it, to accept it. So that's my story there really, I just rather not think about it, probably why I don't blog about it.
On a lighter note, I'm happy with how I am going in school. I've learnt to cope with pressure and I like pressure because I know that pressure turns coal into diamonds. I know it's bad to put extra pressure on yourself but it makes me do better, try harder, it makes me succeed. I know that with some added pressure, I can shine - just like a diamond.
It's also to do with keeping a clear head, not getting caught up in the social circle of everything. Just focusing on the important things, these two years are important, they determine my career. I can have fun later, go out later, do stuff later. On the holidays, in the years after I leave high school. I know what I want to do and I can also feel it, smell it, touch it. I want it so bad and I will not give up. So excuse me if I'm being anti-social, I just have a goal. That is something I'm not ashamed of, pay me out all you like, because in 10 years time it won't matter if we didn't shopping on the weekend, or didn't go to all the dances, or that we didn't hang out enough - because I will be exactly where I wanted to be and what about you? Where are you? You don't even know do you, because you never had a goal.
Some other stuff has also happened in the time that I haven't blogged - I suppose I don't hate you. I don't really know how I feel. Sometimes I just want to leave it all behind, including you. But sometimes I want to cling onto all of it. I'm caught in the middle and until I understand what I want, I will be double sided. I just can't make up my mind.

Food and emotion

I hate combining food an emotion,
but in this case I just can't help it.

I'm too sad, too scared, too numb -
so I spose I'm going to go eat my feelings.

Selfish

It's the same story everytime,
No, not this time, you'll get another chance to do that.
Nup, No you can't do that, because I said so.
Apparently I'm selfish, apparently I don't think or plan ahead.
I am far from selfish, okay, I think about everything, all the minor details so I won't be a burden, so that we might achieve a compromise and you go an accuse me of only thinkig gabout myself and that I don't undersand. Fuck, I do understand, I really do. I know that I'm different, I've learnt to live with it and it's not something I go around advertising but when you treat me like this, it's hard to blend in with the crowd. You don't understand, how anything works, how my life works, what's important to me at all. All I want to do is escape and you can't even let me do that.

life

there are always things in life we aren't ready for,
and honestly, I'm not ready.

Each day it gets worse
every time i see you, it's worse
it hasn't been getting better and i don't think it will
even though it's happening gradually i don't think i will ever be prepared
i know that the day will come and i got to prepare myself for it
the day will come quickly and as prepared as i might be, i will never be ready
not ready to deal with this, not ready to cry, not ready to accept it
but i suppose i will have to and it's not a question of how, but when

one thing is certain though, i will miss you.

I'm feeling run down, tired, stressed, weak.

I don't have time anymore, my brain is trying to process it
this concept of you not being there anymore and its hard.
it's extremely hard.

but I'm happy that I've got at least someone to lean on :)
someone to confide in, someone who can understand
but it's sad that only one person out of all my friends can understand
that only one person knows what's really going on
and that only one person can make me feel good

they day is gonna come, when I'll be crying because of this and everyone will ask why, what happened?
the tears are gonna keep coming and i won't want to talk, all i will want is a hug and a friendly smile from you
and for you to sit with me until I'm alright, you don't have to say a word, having you beside me is all i want

the tears, are streaming down my face already -
and it hasn't even happened yet;

but thinking of you and knowing that you will be there for me, because you understand makes those tears into tears of joy

joy- that i have a friend like you.
your one of my best friends, and gosh i love you :)

but at the same time, i feel sad knowing that the one who has been there for so long, i can no longer trust.

the bond is gone. the trust is gone and you've changed.
you feel cold to me.
you make me feel insecure.
stupid.
less important.
poor.
all these negative emotions, because you continously send out the, "i'm so much better than you" vibe. i've forgiven you for it before, but honestly - i'm not comfortable being round you and i think it's time that we both moved on.

Just like old times

We ventured up to our spot today, our place, the one we discovered a few years ago. The place where we could always escape to,
to talk,
to breathe.

I've missed you, talking to you, being able to talk about anything and just knowing that you trust me and that I trust you. Being with you, it's different. The fact that we aren't together all the time makes it easier to tell you about things. You an outsider to my life but at the same time, you play an important part in it. It's reassuring to know that we can do this again, that the bond between us still exists and we haven't drifted as far apart as we once first thought. Thankyou, we might not talk all the time but I need you.

It's October Already

For me time seems to be moving so fast. I can remember New Years Eve as though it was yesterday and Christmas and even my birthday last year. I can remember last year's June holidays and even the day we found out we had to do double polish school. I can remember starting polish school, thinking that I only had two years left when infact it was less that one year when we found out what was going on. I remember starting year 10 and making those subject selections in year 9 and how all the senior subjects sounded so appealing. I remember our old friend group and year 9 camp and how the cabin group next to us snuck into our cabin during the night. I remember the bitch fights and the stupidity of year nine, I remember my learning group. I remember year 8 and the musical, yr 8 camp and my first day of high school. I can even remember grade 7 and my excitement that I had for high school. It's nearly been 4 years since I finished year 7 and it's just gone too fast. A week just feels like day and before you know it, it's gone. Never to be seen again. I want to stay young and just have fun, sure I'll have friends where ever I am or how old I get. But never will I see my friends in school, never will I have it so easy and be part of such an environment. Some people can't wait to leave school, but for me it's going to quickly and I feel like as though it's gonna be over before I even started.