I think my wish has come true

Finally, time is slowing down. The days feel like they are longer and no more, do I feel rushed.
I feel happy and relaxed, they way holidays are meant to be :)

Moreton Island

There is something about going away camping that makes me feel better. Going away this time was different than New Zealand, in a way it was like going from one extreme to another. We had an early departure from Brisbane, in order to make it to the ferry landing at 7 am and to beat the morning traffic. I was getting more excited by the minute - I love camping :) When we arrived at Moreton it was absolutely stinking hot, perfect conditions to get sun burnt. My shoulders got a nice tan from setting up the tents and my abs got a work out from laughing at Claudia's dad who got bogged in like 2 minutes after driving off the barge. When we reached the camp grounds, I wasn't really sure if it was what I was expecting or not. Last year's polish camping trip I was expecting a total cut off from civilization but there were normal facilities and the area was well populated, so I was expecting that again, but this time there were limited facilities and we were in a remote location, in a way I was pretty surprised. We went and checked out the facilities straight away, there were hybrid toilets and wasp infested, outdoor, cube showers without and doors. Showering was a whole heap of fun. After we set up our campground, our home for the next four days, we checked out the water, it was simply beautiful. It was clear, cold and we had a great view of the ship wrecks. It had to be our second day at Moreton Island that will be remembered for a long time, we planned on going for a short walk, take a few photos maybe find some bait to go fishing. Those plans totally failed. Basically, the whole crew minus Claud, Ania and the parents went on a walk, which turned into playing soccer on the sand dunes, finding a starfish, seeing a cool tree whilst making our way further and further away from camp. We decided that we might as well keep walking and located the heated showers that Claudia's friend had told us about. We thought that they might be up a 4WD track. We also thought that if worst come worst we can always walk the 7 kms to the Eastern Beach on the opposite side of the Island. After what we thought had been a very long walk (but turns out it was only 1.5 kms) we decided to take the Tangalooma bypass - normally associating the word bypass with shortcut. We kept walking through the hot sun without proper shoes, sunscreen, water or a phone. I can honestly say that going on this walk would have to be the stupidest choice I have made in my life. We kept walking and finally worked up the courage to pull a car over and ask for help. They gave us a bottle of water and wold us that we were going the wrong way, taking this path wouldn't lead us to our destination. So with this in mind, we turned around. We ran to the shady spots, swearing loudly, because the sun was burning our feet. We were dehydrated, even though we had finally gotten some water. However, this blessing from God didn't last very long, seeing at it was small and there were 6 of us. Once we reached the top of a hill, we decided to sit down in the shade and regain our energy. We were more relaxed now that we had water and were going back the same way as we came as it was more familiar and we didn't have the constant false hope that we were nearly there. Whilst we were sitting down, we heard a car. The group simultaneously told me to stop it, which I did. I asked for water and sunscreen, explaining that we were kind of lost. They laughed at my request, offered us beer but they actually did have supplies and gave us a large bottle of water. The car was full of 6 hot guys, who kindly offered us a lift. We hastily accepted and all crammed into the boot, except for Dom, who climbed in the back seat. They took us to the resort, we were so grateful that we gave them $20. Those guys seriously saved our lived, we could easily make our way back to the campsite from there. We were relieved when we sore the ocean, the cold water felt like an orgasm for our blistered feet. But we survived and can tell the tale :) It was a great experience in a way, getting lost in the desert. That night Kamil disrupted our sleeping as he fell asleep in our tent and squashed everyone. Due to us being sleep deprived our third day at Moreton was bland, we lazed around in the tent and played games such as in my shopping bag. In our shopping bag we had a cheese stringer, a compass, a tent, a pretzel, a pony, a condom, a dildo, moonshine, a tree, a bra, green tea, earl grey, pegs, a Russian soldier named Yuri, an African kid with HIV, a laundry, a dictionary, a noose, a sleeping bag, hair dye, a coconut, a bikini, a ship wreck and a nervous breakdown. After that we just gave up and headed to the beach to go swimming or play beach soccer. Kamil said that he will sleep in our tent tonight, so it's going to be squishy once more. The night actually wasn't too bad, worst thing that happened was that Kamil thought my head was a pillow and bashed into me, but it's ok, I have a pretty thick head. Our last day at Moreton was sad, we packed up, knowing that we have to go back to Brisbane soon. Once we finished out duties,m we strayed along the beach and buried Claud's dad in the sand. We helped some people unbog their car, they got themselves bogged in the exact same spot as us, so we thought it would be bad karma if we didn't help them out. I don't really miss Moreton due to all the sand everywhere, horse flies and proper facilities, but I miss the people, the camping atmosphere and living by the sun.

I miss Christmas

I heard a story in Church the other day, about a mother who was so caught up in the present frenzy that told her child, who was looking at a nativity scence, that we don't have time for that. Personally, that made me want to cry.

Christmas isn't the same anymore. Maybe it's because I'm older and I have the ability to comprehend the holiday in a different way. Maybe it's because I'm smart enough to know that Santa doesn't visit me anymore. Ever since I've started high school, Christmas has lost that magical feeling. I finish school a lot earlier than I used to and never even get the chance to wear my Christmas tree earrings. This year my parents put the tree up with out me, because it's no big deal. I have to go out and buy presents in crowded shopping malls, whilst being influenced by every store to buy useless products which I would never buy for myself, so why would I buy it for other people? Christmas is filled with stress, business and tiredness not the feelings of joy I would experience when I was younger. Back then, a small little toy would made my day but now, society just wants more and more and more. I see 10 year old who have mobile phones and mp3s. I see little girls not wanting to wear clothes that their mum's pick out because 'they aren't fashionable'. Back then, I couldn't care less what people thought about me. I wore my shirt tucked into my pants up until year 5! I couldn't give a rat's arse and now seeing these kids act like that at such a young age makes me feel sick. They should be enjoying the trivial things, have fun and count down to Christmas by using an advent calendar. Society is growing up much too fast, kids should be kids. I feel like I'm growing up too fast, I know people who dated in year seven, at my primary school we still believed in cooties and I'm happy as I don't believe children that age are ready to experience opposite gender mingling on such a level. This has gone on a massive tangent, but the point is, society moves too fast and takes Christmas for granted. In all due respect, the day is to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. Being Polish, religion plays an immense part in my life. When I was younger, my favourite part of the year and not just Christmas was going to midnight mass. There was something about the atmosphere, with your friends being there and seeing everyone half asleep but yet so happy was incredible. And why were they all so happy, because they knew the true meaning of Christmas. Not the stress and presents, that was already over as the most major part of Christmas for Poles is Christmas Eve. There is a massive 12 course meal, Christmas carols are sung and presents are opened. Everyone is happy, except for the person doing the washing up but nevertheless, mum who had been preparing the meal can now relax, dad's been fed so he can relax too and the kids are over the moon from opening presents, leaving the rest of the night for the most important part, a mass to celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I like the order of things and the way I celebrate Christmas, I just hate the lead up to it and the loss of the Christmas spirit.

Yuck

Never in my life have I liked the cold, until 10 days ago.
Something changed my opinions whilst on the New Zealand music tour.
Perhaps it was the beauty of New Zealand, the people I was with or the things we did.
However, something made me associate the cold with positive feelings and I miss it.
Throughout my whole life, I have liked the heat and summer, but now I hate it.
Perhaps it was because I got accustomed to the cold, or that tour had to end - now I'm lonely and back here in Australia.
I want to be back in New Zealand and life would be so much better if I never left.

I'm craving L&P; NZ MUSIC TOUR 09

FCIP 2009 Music Tour to New Zealand was simply amazing. Words cannot express the experiences that I had throughout a short ten days, experiences that I hoped would never end. It all began ten days from today, November 28th. On this day, I was waking up bright and early, full of excitement - knowing that I would be embarking on an overseas adventure without my parents, a few friends and a whole group of people to build friendships with. I was eccentric. This feeling, lasted the whole tour. Each day was different, each provided a new experience and a rush of adreneline, each was amazing. At first, the feeling of being in New Zealand was quite surreal, it felt like Australia but it looked stunning. The air was fresh and crisp, the grass was so much greener and the towns were a lot cleaner. The South Island of New Zealand is simply beautiful. At first, I thought New Zealand was flat, there were no hills, no bumps in the road, just planes that stretch on forever, but that was only a small part of New Zealand, a small part of the South Island, a small part of Christchurch. I soon discovered that New Zealand's scenery changes dramatically - with it being flat one minute and mountainous the next. New Zealand's cities also fascinate me - they are filled with history and culture and I love it. It adds character and gives a place a certain something. The large array of museums, art galleries, markets, gardens and parks aswell as shops and restuaruants makes New Zealand appeal to me. I loved going away on tour and chatting with locals, telling them where I'm from and that I'm proud to be Aussie. I loved being with my friends for 10 days, knowing that I can always have a laugh. I loved the care and support we got from the teachers, it made me feel at home and helped me to enjopy myself. I loved being a senior on tour, knowing that I can influence the other students and help to make the experience more enjoyable. I loved it all, I wasn't home sick at all - except for the fact that Mrs D reminded me of my mum. I loved buying gifts for others and trying to imagine their facial expressions when they recieve their gifts. I loved it all and I'm disappointed that I had to come home. The whole experience was a nice break from everything. Then there are of course the personal jokes that I will remember for a long time. Haha sheep - bahhhh! Haha stag ... bahhhh?, Orgasmic icecream, revenge of the jet boat, staffs, Yahtzee!, cookie time, giant chocolate muffins, puns, L and P, vasoline, Steph's straightened hair. I don't think I can pick a higlight - the Gondola and Luge were fun, the glow worms and antartic centre were intriuging whilst the jet boat was a rush of adreneline. I have my souveniours and photos but I don't think I need them because I think that my memories will stay with me, forever. One last thing - 2009 Instrumentalists, you made my 10 days and my year. I wish I could write about everything and I wished I could do it chronologically, but I loved it too much to think straight. In the simplest terms, it was amazing and I fucking loved it.

Overseas.

Goodbye Australia, I'm off to New Zealand for 10 days.
Hopefully you won't change too much while I'm gone.
Speaking of changes, I got a hair cut today :)
New Zealand is somewhere I've always wanted to go, it looks beautiful.
Ten days with my friends in such a beautiful place seems amazing and I just can't wait.
In 12 hours I'll be at the airport, trying to figure out the adventure that's in store.

bad day

I was relaxed today and I wasn't thinking, I had used up all my brain cells on exams, I asked stupid questions and I got blamed for it and now I feel unhappy, life less and dull. I have absorbed nervous tension from others around me and now I feel terrible. My negative feelings that I have put behind me have come back and now I longer feel excitement towards the holidays. My soul has been ripped apart, no more looking forward to new zealand, no more looking forward to holidays.

Angry.

I am frustrated with myself.
Today's physics exam went badly.
Incredibly badly, I have never come out of an exam feeling like that.
I'm scared about tomorrow, I have chemistry then.
I don't know, it's funny I can do pure maths, I aced that test. Just not physics.
I used to be able to do chemistry, but I'm just not sure anymore.
Hopefully, I'll go alright tomorrow.
After 11 am I will be finished all year 11 assesment for the year and I will be going to the beach :)
I'm excited.

Physics

I've got 25 hours until the physics exam.
That's 25 hours of studying, feeling, breathing, dreaming physics.
From now on, it's all about the physics.
Wish me luck!

Irony

Funny how the word, funeral, has fun with in it.
It's the quite clearly the opposite.

I don't really know how I feel. I can't tell if I'm hurting or not. Sometimes I'm sad but other times I'm numb. No thoughts, no actions, pure nothingness. I just blank. Sometimes I distract myself so much that I'm capable of forgetting, but the amount of work it takes to achieve that is too much of a strain. So I'm either upset, exhausted from trying to not be upset, or I'm nothing. Great situation to be aye? But in a sense, I'm blessed.
I have an amazing support network of friends, my school and teachers understand what I'm going through and someone is always making sure that I'm alright.
I suppose it will get better with time and one day, I'll naturally be able to cope. Until then, only time will tell.

Cancer

I watched it take over your body, engulf you, suffercate you.
It caused me so much pain, to see you - someone i love, go through that.
From this morning I could sense that there was something wrong, but I didn't worry too much about it.

When I opened the car door this afternoon and I knew straight away that there was something wrong and my fears were proven true. As soon as I got in, I could feel the sadness, and then dad said that he had some news and I knew what it refered to.
I knew that she was gone, that cancer had won.
I held back the tears, knowing that I had to go to an interview to go to.
I felt heartless and cold for not crying, but I'm doing it now.
The disease that had caused her so much misery and pain had won.
I always knew that she didn't have long, but it still happened so fast and so soon.
RIP, Ciocia Stefa
I will remember you

Cut it out

No more, please no more.
I want it to stop.
I can't handle it.
I want out, right now.

Euphoria

Gazing into your eyes, the world disappears.
Your smile, makes me feel invincible - like I'm the only one that matters.
The way you talk, makes me feel insecure, like I need you.
There's just something about you, that makes you special.
That make's me feel happy
and I like that feeling :)

Incomplete;

would be the perfect word to describe me.
I have the perfect image of myself in my mind but in reality these two things are worlds apart.
In the end it all comes down to numbers -
I wish to get a certain OP
I wish to weigh a certain amount
I wish to have had a certain number of experiences before a certain age
I wish to have a certain sum of money
I wish to be the IDEAL me.
I want to escape because my current environment won't let me do these things.
I need change, I need fun, I need you :)

FAIL.

I tried being tech saavy and thought, oh yeah I'll make my blog look awesome.

I screwed it up.

About a week's worth of thoughts

This month, has been a slow blogging month.
I've been busy but also I haven't had much to say.
I'm starting to feel better about stuff, about the illness, about her being here with us. It's hard though, seeing someone so ill, in so much pain, someone you love but can't help. Seeing someone like that everyday, knowing that you can't do anything - it hurts so much. I don't want to sound self centered or anything but I block it out. I try to concentrate on other things, so I don't have to deal with the pain. It's going to be worse though, when she's gone. The pain will be too strong, but I'm starting to come to terms with this gradual down fall. I'm learning to understand it, to accept it. So that's my story there really, I just rather not think about it, probably why I don't blog about it.
On a lighter note, I'm happy with how I am going in school. I've learnt to cope with pressure and I like pressure because I know that pressure turns coal into diamonds. I know it's bad to put extra pressure on yourself but it makes me do better, try harder, it makes me succeed. I know that with some added pressure, I can shine - just like a diamond.
It's also to do with keeping a clear head, not getting caught up in the social circle of everything. Just focusing on the important things, these two years are important, they determine my career. I can have fun later, go out later, do stuff later. On the holidays, in the years after I leave high school. I know what I want to do and I can also feel it, smell it, touch it. I want it so bad and I will not give up. So excuse me if I'm being anti-social, I just have a goal. That is something I'm not ashamed of, pay me out all you like, because in 10 years time it won't matter if we didn't shopping on the weekend, or didn't go to all the dances, or that we didn't hang out enough - because I will be exactly where I wanted to be and what about you? Where are you? You don't even know do you, because you never had a goal.
Some other stuff has also happened in the time that I haven't blogged - I suppose I don't hate you. I don't really know how I feel. Sometimes I just want to leave it all behind, including you. But sometimes I want to cling onto all of it. I'm caught in the middle and until I understand what I want, I will be double sided. I just can't make up my mind.

Food and emotion

I hate combining food an emotion,
but in this case I just can't help it.

I'm too sad, too scared, too numb -
so I spose I'm going to go eat my feelings.

Selfish

It's the same story everytime,
No, not this time, you'll get another chance to do that.
Nup, No you can't do that, because I said so.
Apparently I'm selfish, apparently I don't think or plan ahead.
I am far from selfish, okay, I think about everything, all the minor details so I won't be a burden, so that we might achieve a compromise and you go an accuse me of only thinkig gabout myself and that I don't undersand. Fuck, I do understand, I really do. I know that I'm different, I've learnt to live with it and it's not something I go around advertising but when you treat me like this, it's hard to blend in with the crowd. You don't understand, how anything works, how my life works, what's important to me at all. All I want to do is escape and you can't even let me do that.

life

there are always things in life we aren't ready for,
and honestly, I'm not ready.

Each day it gets worse
every time i see you, it's worse
it hasn't been getting better and i don't think it will
even though it's happening gradually i don't think i will ever be prepared
i know that the day will come and i got to prepare myself for it
the day will come quickly and as prepared as i might be, i will never be ready
not ready to deal with this, not ready to cry, not ready to accept it
but i suppose i will have to and it's not a question of how, but when

one thing is certain though, i will miss you.

I'm feeling run down, tired, stressed, weak.

I don't have time anymore, my brain is trying to process it
this concept of you not being there anymore and its hard.
it's extremely hard.

but I'm happy that I've got at least someone to lean on :)
someone to confide in, someone who can understand
but it's sad that only one person out of all my friends can understand
that only one person knows what's really going on
and that only one person can make me feel good

they day is gonna come, when I'll be crying because of this and everyone will ask why, what happened?
the tears are gonna keep coming and i won't want to talk, all i will want is a hug and a friendly smile from you
and for you to sit with me until I'm alright, you don't have to say a word, having you beside me is all i want

the tears, are streaming down my face already -
and it hasn't even happened yet;

but thinking of you and knowing that you will be there for me, because you understand makes those tears into tears of joy

joy- that i have a friend like you.
your one of my best friends, and gosh i love you :)

but at the same time, i feel sad knowing that the one who has been there for so long, i can no longer trust.

the bond is gone. the trust is gone and you've changed.
you feel cold to me.
you make me feel insecure.
stupid.
less important.
poor.
all these negative emotions, because you continously send out the, "i'm so much better than you" vibe. i've forgiven you for it before, but honestly - i'm not comfortable being round you and i think it's time that we both moved on.

Just like old times

We ventured up to our spot today, our place, the one we discovered a few years ago. The place where we could always escape to,
to talk,
to breathe.

I've missed you, talking to you, being able to talk about anything and just knowing that you trust me and that I trust you. Being with you, it's different. The fact that we aren't together all the time makes it easier to tell you about things. You an outsider to my life but at the same time, you play an important part in it. It's reassuring to know that we can do this again, that the bond between us still exists and we haven't drifted as far apart as we once first thought. Thankyou, we might not talk all the time but I need you.

It's October Already

For me time seems to be moving so fast. I can remember New Years Eve as though it was yesterday and Christmas and even my birthday last year. I can remember last year's June holidays and even the day we found out we had to do double polish school. I can remember starting polish school, thinking that I only had two years left when infact it was less that one year when we found out what was going on. I remember starting year 10 and making those subject selections in year 9 and how all the senior subjects sounded so appealing. I remember our old friend group and year 9 camp and how the cabin group next to us snuck into our cabin during the night. I remember the bitch fights and the stupidity of year nine, I remember my learning group. I remember year 8 and the musical, yr 8 camp and my first day of high school. I can even remember grade 7 and my excitement that I had for high school. It's nearly been 4 years since I finished year 7 and it's just gone too fast. A week just feels like day and before you know it, it's gone. Never to be seen again. I want to stay young and just have fun, sure I'll have friends where ever I am or how old I get. But never will I see my friends in school, never will I have it so easy and be part of such an environment. Some people can't wait to leave school, but for me it's going to quickly and I feel like as though it's gonna be over before I even started.

You're a part of me

You make me happy;
:)

But I haven't talked to you for a while
& that makes me sad;
:(


- this is what happens when you spend too much time with people

Holidays

Thankyou to Emi, Claud, MK, Millz, B, Lol, Madi, Jacinta, Emma, Lala, Bec, Bec, Erin & Gabe. You made my birthday special, fun, something that I will remember. I'm glad that you guys had fun and I'm glad that I could share my sweet 16th with you.
I was anticipating my party, having those feelings that something would go wrong, that turning 16 will change me. But, that party made me realise that having an Alice in wonderland theme; something that I have loved through my childhood and something that I still love, it reiterated to me that getting older doesn't mean that I can have fun. That I can't laugh anymore, that I can't dress up anymore, that I can't play games anymore. It most certainly does not mean any of those things and I proved that, my friends helped me prove that and I'm happy. I'm still the same person, just older.
I always do this though, worry about silly things. So for now, no more worrying. Just gonna use these holidays to do what I need. To do the things that I have been avoiding and the things that have been pushed a side. Things like tidying up my room and fixing up my photos on my walls, practicing piano and trying to learn endings to songs, completing chapters in my theory book, going shopping and buying clothes, having a sleep over with my best friend. I just want to take some time out and sit in my favourite spot and listen to music and just relax, I don't really wanna go out or organise group outings, maybe just some one on one but I just want to concentrate on me for once. Not bend over backwards to please everyone, but just to chill and be happy. Be content with my life and feel satisfied.

Sweet 16th

I'm 16 today,
Quite excited, quite happy, quite sad too.
But oh well, it's just a number - I'm still the same person on the inside.
Wii Fit wished me a happy birthday this morning, made me smile haha.
I'm looking forward to tonight - spending the night with all my wonderful friends :)
Love you all btw, you really do brighten up my day

Afraid

Ive been drafting blogs for the last couple of days - just unable to post them. I can't say what I want to say and it's frustrating. I feel as though there is something bottled up inside of me. I feel happy though, that's the problem and it's so much harder to pin point. I'm not sure if it's associated with a fear of growing up or just a general 'something bad is going to happen'. I'm on edge, I'm alert, I don't want to let my gaurd down. My gut instinct is to keep watch and be aware. I also feel incomplete, like something is missing. I just want to fill that hole, just want to feel human.

Incomplete

There's something missing,
A part of the soul, a part of the personality, a part of the girl.
Happiness is there, pride is there, relief is there.
However, there seems to be a vital bit of her that is gone.
Her friends haven't changed and neither has she.
Her family is there same, her values are what they were.
But the girl is empty, she feels fake and that whatever used to take up that space inside her,
is gone.
It's as though that whatever it was made up a massive part of her, made her who she is, made her feel complete.
But that something, is gone. That something, is exactly that - a something, an unknown part of her which defines her.
Hopefully that part will be returned and make her feel complete once more. Maybe, then she will feel excited.
Maybe then she will feel real.

Slight concussion

I ran into a building today, it was an accident of course.
But how dumb can I get?
My head hurts now though.

Brat

It
feels like
I've
lost
my
best friend.

Useless, pathetic child.
That's me.
Irresponsible, stupid.
Shouldn't be trusted with anything.

How
could
I let it
break?

How
could
I be so
careless?

I hate this feeling, this guilt, this clutz, this fool, this girl.
If I can't trust my self with something small
How do I expect myself to trust myself with something real, proper, meaningful.

Grow up, already.
Take responsibility, girl.
Use those eyes and figure out what's happening in the world around you.
Stop day dreaming, stop whatever your doing.
It's time to pay attention, it's time to be responsible.
No more shit, no more I'm innocent crap.
For crying out loud - your sixteen in a week.
You can't act like this at sixteen, you shouldn't even be acting like this at fifteen.
You should of stopped this a long time ago.
So get over yourself, use that damn brain of yours.
Learn already!
In the end, I spose you will always be a stupid girl.
Not smart enough to even be mature.
A useless piece of shit is what you are.
Your not deserving, your not worthy to get anything.
Learn to value what you've got, cause fuck, you've got it good.
You've got it so good.
Spoilt, little brat.
Can't even appreciate what you've got, truly pathetic.

Scales

There is one thing I despise and that is weight gain. That feeling I get when I see that I am heavier than I was. I shouldn't weigh this much. I can't weigh this much. It's not like I eat crap. I eat healthy, I eat small portions but somehow I've been gaining weight. It's not usual for me, I'm usual pretty good at maintaining weight. I just want to be lighter, cause with lighter come fitter and with fitter come happier. Tomorrow morning I am going for a run, I am going to push my self and make sure that I will never go back to being what I has. Cause, frankly I hated her and I never want to see her again.

Weeeeeee

I don't have much to say tonight,
I'm happy, that's about it :)

Recovery

It's been about two months,
two months since that night.
Thinking about that night that still makes the hairs on the back of my necks stand on end and makes my heart beat that little bit faster.
I don't really know what happened to me, I guess I thought I was fine. Turns out I was pretty wrong. I thought I could convince myself it was going to be alright, I tried to find a distraction, tried to be happy, tried to be strong, tried to over work myself to not be able to think about reality. It kinda made things worse, with the not eating, the stress, the not sleeping, the crying, the everything. I made myself into, that thing, that dead life less blob. I made myself into the depressed, the antisocial, the fatigue filled person I was. It started to take over, the stress, the tiredness, the feelings - it was all too much. I let myself go and I got sick, but now I'm getting over it. Not only is my body feeling better, but so is my mind. I can think again, I'm glad to know I have my brain back. I've been going downhill for a while but it wasn't till that last week that I started to notice, only began to realise what has been going on for two months. It's normal to go into a bit of depression after a shock event but now I feel better and not just better cause my cold is gone, but getting rid if that weight that was stopping me from living, stopping me from functioning, stopping me from being remotely human. So bye bye feelings of sadness and oppression and hello happiness.

I am going to do well this exam block -
I am going to work to the best of my ability and be happy - happy with myself and know that I worked to my full potential and if I don't do so well - there will be next time and it's not the end of the world.
There is no need to be so caught up with this, so stressed, so pressured.
Seriously, whatever happens happens.

Ready to give up,

I don't know what I'm feeling.
It's as though I have no feelings any more.
It's as though I want to give up and quit trying.
I don't feel worth it, this version of reality I'm living isn't worth it.
In the end I'm just a small insignificant part of this world.
It would function without me just fine.
It might be easier for everyone that way, if I just disappeared.
All I really want to do is stop.

It's that time again

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy.

It's starting to sink in - the physical exhaustion, the stress, the worry.
I just want to stop thinking, to relax to just breathe.

My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, all of me hurts.
I wish I could give up, gosh it would be so much easier.

I'm so tired but as much I sleep it doesn't help.
My brain feels like mush, it's not healthy to think so much.
My body is so weak, weak mind causes a weak body and I have a feeling I won't last.

I need to recharge currently there is more energy going out then there is going in.
Healthy food doesn't do it for me, neither does sugar or junk.
It's as though there is nothing that can help me now.
I just don't want to break down now, not yet, I've come so far.

It will happen soon, it nearly happened today.
I'm so drained, so empty, so dead.
I know that it's not going to pretty when it happens, but please, someone, anyone, be there for me.

But for now, I'm not giving up - I'm going to keep fighting, keep pushing and just hoping for the best.

Self worth

Today kinda started off on the wrong foot.
First with Ms Grumpy Pants got angry at me for nothing, don't you just hate that.
Then there was the self disappointment, which is worse than other people being upset or angry at you.
I can't stand being upset with myself, it's terrible.
It drives me insane and makes me doubt my self.
Doubt that I'm worth it, doubt that I am going to suceed.
I spose me blogging during Chemistry, will help me suceed but I just need to get this off my chest.
I feel sad, I feel useless and like a failure.
I tried, I tried really hard, but I still did bad.
And that's why I'm upset.

Ringlets

Does hair really affect our personalities, or is it just dead life less strands that hang from our heads.
I think my hair affects my personality alot, the curlier it is, the crazier I am.
I recently haven't shown my curly hair, just been wearing it a bun, but today I wore it in a pony tail.
A lovely pony tail, with ringlets and today I went insane.
I felt happy, I felt wild, I felt like laughing.
I haven't felt like this for an long time, and it was pointed out to me that the old me is back, I wasn't even aware that she left.
But this brings me back to semi night, when my hair was straight and I felt sensible, kinda plain and boring. My it's just me, but I really feel that it has the ability to affect my personality, but seriously its hair - it's dead.

Does it look like I'm okay?

There so many things I wish I could say, so many thoughts that never make it from my brain to my mouth. There we so many times today that I didn't say what I was thinking. So many times that I just said what people would want to hear, what people expected to hear. I don't usually make a fuss, but I wish I did.
I'm so over it, I just wish we could have some fun, but if you don't want to I'm not gonna force you. But one day, you will realise that I was right, that you should of tried harder, should of done what I said. Whatever, seriously it's your loss anyway. I cried about this, I know it's corny but I'm not afraid to admit it. So that's it, I'm giving up trying, do as you please.

Keep your mouth shut

In simple terms, I don't want to be like you.
As much as I love you, I disagree with you.
This might sound hypocritical, we all have our enemies.
But I can't stand the way you treat her.
It's wrong. I can't stand the way you treat people altogether.
Why can't you keep your mouth shut? Is it just too hard for you?
You hurt people, you manipulate people, your cold.
I don't wanna be like you at all, hopefully I never will.

Mushy Brain Sydrome

All I wanted to do today was sleep. Just pause time and take a deep breath.
It would be so nice to fast track three weeks, to skip all this stress and magically appear after exam block. All assignments would be done, exams would be completed and I would be happy :)
I'm just so over it, I just want to give up, quit trying and just hope for the best.
Unfortunately it's not that easy - I can't do that, it won't end well.

I just want a good night's sleep, some energy and a brain wave.
These three things will make me work to my full potential, I can't remember the last time I had all three at the same time.

Waltz in A minor

Trying is over rated.
The harder I try. The more it falls apart.

It's nearly Springtime

Dear Winter,
It appears that you have made my life miserable once again.
With the chilliness and swine flu, I have to say you are my least favourite season.
However, today is simply beautiful and I hope it stays like this.
Nice and warm and bright.
Goodbye winter, you know very well that I'm not one of your biggest fans.
I would prefer if you never came back, but I know that's not possible.

Sincerely Yours,
Renata

The Calorie

Never under estimate the importance of the calorie.
Sure people watch their calorie intake, so they won't get fat but seriously you need energy.
The 40 hour famine made me incredibly tired, amazingly weak and ever so sleepy.
I'm one of those people that does watch their calorie intake, but you don't get very far without energy.
I can eat in 47 minutes! Hurrah!
I actually feel really good, that I didn't give up and that I could do the 40 hour famine.

Hunger bites ... BITE BACK!

I do alot of community service through school but this time I wanted to do something real.
In the past year, over 100 million more people have been affected by a food crisis. One small meal a day. Sometimes it means no breakfast, no lunch, no snacks, no drinks, no dinner. Nothing.
There are over 900 million chronically hungry people around the wold and 1.4 billion living in extreme poverty.

18 hours into the famine, I'm not hungry yet, just very tired and weak.
It's amazing how kids in Africa can do this everyday. I'm not eating but I get to sit at home, where it's cool. Kids in Africa can't do that, they have to walk for miles in search of clean water.

I'm doing the famine, yet I get access to clean water when I want. I'm doing the famine but I don't have to walk in the hot sun for hours. I can't imagine what their lives would be like because even by doing the 40 hour famine it's still not enough. I can't imagine what it would be like to live in poverty.

The famine has opened my eyes though. That is real. Hopefully the money I raised can help support some kids, who have nothing.
Kids, who simply aren't as lucky. Life is dependant on fate, any of us could of been one of those kids. Any of us could not have access to food everyday. Any of us could not have access to fresh water. Any of us could of had a life that ended before it even started.

As complex as a rubix cube

I'm having the urge to blog today. It's not that I'm stressed or upset. I'm just hoping that someone reads this and maybe that person can understand me better than I understand myself. I just want someone to talk to, to have another half. I'm so over being single, maybe I'm falling into desperation, on the verge of insanity.
The world is full of so many amazing people and sometimes I wonder, why I cna't be amazing to them? Love is complicated, life is complicated.
I am complicated.
So please solve me, I know I'm tricky,
but don't give up just yet.

Wish upon a star

I saw you again today, and your crooked smile.
The one that makes me a bit giddy and makes me giggle.
I can't help not think about you, your just so irresistible.
When you talk to me, it feels like the whole world disappears and its just us.
The two of us, together.
Oh, how perfect that would be.
I'm not sure if I've blogged about you before but I wish you could read this.
Wish that you could know how I feel.
Wish that you felt the same way, and that you could be mine.

Your beautiful to me

I just feel like yelling.
Yelling what exactly? I'm not too sure.

Maybe that I like you, maybe that your taken and I can't have you. Maybe cause your not someone that's 'right' for me. Maybe it's because I'm jealous and every time I see you together, I wish that was me.

There's something about you, that fascinates me, that intriges me. Your face, is beautiful. The way you think, is captivating. The way you smile, is adorable. The way you touch me, makes me tingle.

Why can't I be perfect, why can't I be like you. So our brains are in sync, that we think in the same way. I want to be perfect, but to you. Wished I looked attractive to you, wish you could fall in love with my personality. Wish that I was perfect to you, like you are perfect to me.

Heaven on earth

Last night was amazing.
From the moment I woke up, I knew that today was the day. I had that feeling, an over whelment of excitement. Everyone look stunning last night, the room was full of different colours, everyone had a smile and everyone had that feeling too, that the night was going to be good. However, there was something missing, not a physical element, but a part of me.
Do my curls, really energise me? Does straight hair make me more sensible?
Because for that short moment of last night, I did not feel like myself. I felt a bit dull and lifeless and sensible - not something I experience alot. Then something happened and I felt like myself again, it was like having an out of body experience. But I still feel there is something missing, a person, a friend, myself.
Last night, other than that short moment I felt like myself. Right now, I feel like someone else.
That feeling that you get in the bottom of your stomach, telling you something is not quite right - I have it now. I've had it for a while. I want it to go away.
I want everything to be right and to fall into place.
I wish, it could be how it was, except better.
Without the stress, without the fear, with the tension.
I wish, everything could be how it appears in my mind.
In my mind life is perfect. Life is easy, there is no pain, there is no hatred.
Some may think I'm describing heaven, but my mind, is my little piece of heaven
My piece of heaven on earth.
I don't know how I relate last night to heaven, but my feelings of euphoria and complete joy last night made me, feel like me, once more.

LOST

Near new, only once used, very loved mascara.
Green packaging, last seen tuesday.
If you can read my mind and tell me where I left it,
please do so.
Thankyou :)

you make me smile

it's odd, how sometimes you see people in a different light.
that you can forget what they look like on the outside,
but see the inner beauty they have within them.
i've never seen your beauty before, but i like it.
you make me smile, you make me wanna be around you.
the way you talk to me makes me giggle, and i like it.
i really do.
the small things add up and i see the big picture,
the amazing person that you really are, but just haven't noticed before.

love you, always.

i'm worried about you.
please don't do anything you'll regret.
love you, always.
don't bail on me just yet :)

i'm really sorry.
i didn't mean to lash out.
love you, always.
forgive me and let me have another chance.

i'm thinking about you.
you always make me smile.
love you, always.
let's just have fun and enjoy the time we have together.

go away.

I don't blog as much as I used to.
There's nothing really to blog about, I'm kind of neutral at the moment you see.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.
I'm really just plain old, stuck in the middle, me.
But there is one thing bugging me, have you ever wanted to tell someone to leave you alone?
To just go away and to never talk to you again, I'm such a push over and I can't cause I don't want to hurt their feelings. I need to learn to stand up for myself, and just be blunt.
So here goes, "You see, I don't like you. We should go our separate ways and never speak to each other again. Yeah? Kay thanks bye."
In my head it is as simple as that.

less than two weeks till semi.

am i excited? i really don't know.

Cabin fever

So this is my fourth day at home and I'm going a bit crazy,
Have to stay indoors incase I have swine flu, hopefully I'll get the results tommorow.
Apparently some people who get swine flu don't get it that bad, that the worst of it is over in 24 hours. I have some sort of virus/flu thing but the fever seemed to pass in the first day, so if it's swine, it's not as bad as they all claim.
Well, I might at least go do something productive, before I go insane.
I would just love to go out somewhere, get some fresh air.
Damn house is too stuffy.

Over myself

In primary school, I was shy. I was always the quiet and smart kid. Never really had a big group of friends just a few close friends and one really good friend. Life was plain and not much went on.
Around year four or five, life began to change.
I became a little louder, not as shy, but a lot fatter. So my personality improved but physically I went backwards. I was happy with the person I had become though, in those days no one really thought about being 'pretty'. We all had frizzy hair and bobs, no one knew what makeup was and we all had pimples, so you got judged on personality. Towards year 7 I turned into a wild child and thought that I would be cool enough for high school, I was smart, I liked to laugh and have fun and was friendly. When I came to year 8, I realised I was wrong.
Looks are pretty much everything.
In these past 4 years I have changed so much physically, but yet people still remember me, from their first impressions, the nerdy fat kid. And now that my looks are different, I think my personality is changing with it. I don't find the need to be eccentric, to run around wild and to laugh all the time. I like being conserved and just taking some time out. I'm kinda over people, turning a bit anti social maybe. But I'm over myself. I'm over looking in the mirror to see what I look like, I probably haven't changed since an hour, three hours, since this morning, I look the same as I did yesterday. I'm over taking photos - I used to believe in documenting everything and everyone paid me out, told me that I'm strange. Maybe I was just insecure wanting to hold onto the present and afraid of the future. The constant negativity from everyone around me doesn't help. It's made me uncertain of things. I don't even know what the real me is anymore. When you change yourself a few times you don't really know. When I go to uni I can have a brand new start - I can the quiet kid, the loud kid, the weird kid. Who knows.
This year I became close with someone and I think it was one of the best things I could of done. She hung out with us for a bit, my group rejected her and I went along with it. She went and joined a new group and didn't talk to me for a bit. This really hurt me and I realised that I had hurt her. I felt terrible, realised I could do this to a person, I didn't even know her. So I decided to stuff my group, follow my heart and get to know her. Turns out, I can talk to this girl about anything, shes in most of my classes, similar ambitions and we can always have a good laugh. I've realised there is no need to follow the crowd, to do what makes me happy. I don't know if she has a point to this story but she's changed me for the better. Help me come to terms with reality.
Or perhaps I've matured, gotten over msn and texting, gotten over eating fatty foods, gotten over fashion trends and spending lots of money, gotten over going out every weekend, gotten over taking photos, gotten over myself.

It not that I don't like you

It's just there's something about you, I can't pin point it though.
Spending time with you, used to be fun. Now it doesn't seem as exciting.
Talking to you, used to be so easy. Now it just feels like a burden.
Have we changed? Is our friendship not as strong?
Maybe it's time for both of us to move on? I want to, leave you, but I can't.
I know it's cruel but deep inside I cannot live without you.
I think our relationship is starting to be a little love-hate, or maybe it always has been but I haven't noticed.
Have I been looking at you with rose coloured glasses all these years?
I am so confused, maybe we can fix this?
But the thing is, you don't even think there is a problem. To you, I'm your best friend.
In your mind everything is fine and dandy, PERFECT, like it has been for the last 10 or so years.
But my mind, sees things completely differently.
My mind sees it very bittersweet.

Herbal remedies

Feeling much better than I did last night.
I'm starting to come to terms with what's going on and to comprehend that it's going to be fine :)
Still really stressed and worried but not that much to go into breakdown.
So peppermint and chamomile tea, st john's wort, valerian, ginseng and ginkgo roots are my new best friends for the next few days. Along with nice relaxing music :)
Who knew herbal remedies could help me feel so much better.
They have magic powers, I swear.
You know what else is funny, most herbs with healing benefits are classified as weeds.
Chamomile, dandelion, valerian, st john's wort - all weeds.
Never judge a book by its cover, cause the world's ugliest plants can do so much.

Seriously wouldn't know what I would do with out you

I don't know what to say, thank you to start with.
Your my best friend and it was quite lucky that you could be with me last night. I don't know how I would of coped with out you. I might be the one lying in hospital instead. Due to depression, anxiety, stress a nervous or anxiety attack. You hugged me when I cried, you brushed away my tears, helped me comes to terms with the fact that it's going to be okay. You took my mind of it, distracted me, stayed up with me, laughed with me and talked to me. Did everything right, everything that I needed and wanted. I love you so much, your my other half and just like you said last night, I could not, EVER, imagine my life without you in it.
Friends for 16 years, friends forever.

Blobbbb.

I turned into a blob today.
All I wanted to do was sit. Stupid really.
I feel so sick now and I've had my lazy day.
From now on, no more junk food, no more sitting.
I have more productive things I should be doing.
When I go to sleep tonight , I 'm putting the old me behind.
Tomorrow is a brand new day.

I can smell holidays

Happy Birthday Rebecca!
16th Birthdays, like an array of others mark the milestones in one's life.
When looking in depth at what a 'Sweet Sixteenth' really entails, I really must wish you luck.
In the old days, or if you belonged to a different culture you would now be regarded as a woman. Learn to do woman things, and your sexualality would be explored. Your parents would be trying to find you suitors, so you may make a good wife and mother. Living, however, in today's contemporary society we don't have to worry about things like that.
Except Rebecca, the age 16 makes girls feel beautiful, independent and strong.
Hopefully being 16 will reiterate this for you, cause you have had these qualities a long time.
I haven't been good friends with you all that long but I really do value our friendship.
I trust and I feel I can share things.
Thankyou for being there for me Rebecca :D

Happy Birthday Claudia!
I have known you for quite a while, but it wasn't until last year that I really got to know you.
Claudia you are amazing and I hope you are having the best birthday over in America. Claudia you are amazing, I know I have already told you this at your party, but you seriosuly deserve the best. So have the best damn day you can have today. Happy Birthday! You mean the world to me and I can talk to you about anything.
Thanks for being my friend Claud, I really mean it.

Wow, two Sweet Sixteenth's on the same day. Apparently 9 million people around the world share yor birthday, so this isn't acutally that much of a coincidence. My fingers are cold and numb and typing really hurts. Haha, I'm so lame.

IT IS OFFICIALLY THE HOLIDAYS!
And I will enjoy them very much until I get my report card. My mother will probs freak out when she sees it and won't let me out again. It's not like I'm doing badly, I just know I can do better. I hope I still do alright :) But seriously, lets put school behind us. We need to focus on the positives here. I have nearly 3 weeks of holidays and what better way to kick them off but having dinner with the group tonight. I'm quite excited actually.You know what else makes me excited, I'm no longer a slave :D
Life is goooood :D

High fives all around!

Circles

I need to get this out.
I don't know what going on.
I feel broken.
It's like my life is rewinding, I'm having feelings for people I haven't talked to in ages.
I'm at the same point I was last year in certain friendship.
I feel afraid, I feel guilty, I'm in denial.
The Earth is spinning backwards.
It's not meant to be in retrograde, it is definitely not meant to be like this.
Wanting things that you can't have is unhealthy.
Being scared and lost for words won't get me anywhere.
I need to snap out of this and snap out of it fast.
Not wanting is pointless.
Not trying sets up failure.
Not apologising won't make things better.
I don't know what I'm meant to say sorry for.
I don't know what I've done.
Life is such a mess.
I just want to scream and pray it will be clean in the morning.
I want a break.
I want, I don't know what I want.
Boys are confusing, friendships with people totally different from you are confusing, school is confusing, money is confusing.
I'm confused.
Leave me alone, I want to be alone.
But, I don't know if that's what I want.
I want to talk.
I want to cry.
I need a hug.
This makes no sense. I don't make sense. Everything doesn't make sense.
It's going round in circles, not only this blog, but everything.
I'm back where I was a year ago.
Same people, similar situations.
I'm just not sure.
What's wrong with me?
Why so many questions?
I want to cry, it's not an answer though.
I just want you to be there for me, is that to hard to ask.
I need to take my mind of things, but my mind just keeps circulating about the same things.
I hate circles.
I guess this is a call for help.
Please help me.
Please help me sort this out.
I'm just so sick and tired of everything right now.
Need
to
calm
down.
Need
to
slow
down.
And if I tell myself it will be alright, it will.

Sisters

We meet two years ago, on music camp. Everyone there thought we were sisters but I had no idea who you were. We started talking, and our friendship blossomed and I guess we have been friends ever since.
You inspire me, just like a sister.
You listen to me, just like a sister.
You laugh with me, just like a sister.
You care for me, just like a sister.

Danielle, you are like the sister I've never had
& I love you; dearly.

Dear Claudia,

It was your birthday party last night and I liked it very much.I know that at times you didn't feel this way, you felt the exact opposite but I would just like to say that I'm there for you. That I want to thankyou for inviting me. That I'm gonna miss you when you jet off. That I'm lucky to have you in my life. I tried to express this to you last night, but with all the hustle and bustle it was quite hard, but in the end I do care, I do give a shit and I will always remember the purpose of last night. To celebrate you :)
Love, Renata.

OMG. I ate so much food last night, it was insane and I scrum (is that a word?), screamed so much last night too. I lost my voice but it's back now. Success :D

Guitars

I got a guitar. I have wanted one for quite a while, I seem to have developed a fancy for them. I was playing around with it before, figured out how to play a scale. But it will give me something to do on the holidays. Can't wait!

I would also just like to say that I know belong to Ryan. Even though slavery is illegal in Australia. I have lost to him in mine sweeper flags a number of times. But I will win, and he shall be my slave. Success!
Ahhh, evil laugh would go nicely here.

Omg randomest thing happened. My dinner meat today was in the shape of Australia. It looks really funny too, must upload a photo. However, I have misplaced my phone-computer cable so this must wait till another day.

Today was relatively happy. Stress levels pretty good, no major dramas, weekend is looking exciting.

Perfection

on legs.

Have you ever known people and thought they were ugly, or they were too fat, or they didn't have it in them. It's been a few years and the girl I was thoguht was too fat, too ugly, just didn't have it in her really showed me. She is thin, she is stunning, she has everything she could possibly want. The friends, the popularity, the brain, the looks. She really is perfection on legs. Everytime I see her, I feel so bad, because like many people I thought she was too fat, too ugly, didn't have it in her. She has a new start now, people know her for who she is now, not who I knew her as. I wish, I could change like that. Have the courage, have the brains, have the looks, have the popularity. I wish, that I could be classified as perfection on legs. And show all those people who think I am amount to nothing, that I can change, that I do have it in me, that I am capable. I want to be an inspiration for others, like that girl inspired me.

Long weekend

Ah so it's a long weekend and I have managed to do two out of three assignments. So that's pretty good cause I have all day to do English tommorow. I've been having strange dreams though. Black mail, arranged marriage, failure. I haven't really had anything interesting to blog about lately so I have decided to make a list of things to do for the winter holidays. I had a list of 50 things to do during summer and I completed 48 things I think.

So here I go, winter holiday list.

1. Buy my semi-dress and shoes
2. Hang out with Danielle
3. Challenge Emma to see who can eat the most sour skittles in one minute
4. Go out to dinner with the group
5. Have a sleepover with Emi
6. Go hyper will Marcelina
7. Go horse riding with Allara

That's it for now, I have to think of more interesting things.

Elevator.

Stress levels, are going down.
Hoping to reach ground floor, except I'm not sure if it's possible.
As close I get, its seems someone else seems to hop in and we go straight back up to the top floor. It might take around two weeks to get to ground floor, an awfully long time to be trapped in an elevator.

Gotta keep calm, fire brigade is gonna come,
Gotta keep waiting, gotta keep praying,
Gotta keep trying, just gotta hold on tight.
Nothing bad is gonna happen, gonna get rescued in the end.

Ray of sunshine

Today was better than yesterday, but I think anything would of been better than yesterday.
It was so cold today, and yesterday. I hate winter. It's not even technically winter beacuse it hasn't reached winter solstice and I'm already freezing. Why can't it be spring already?!?!

Had a total stress release session last night; running around playing tiggy with my best friend's little sister on a patch of grass at a random school before debating.
What a mouthful.
Except after yesterday, I feel my happy bubble has burst. I have not felt this empty and venerable since last year. The small things get to me, its hard to focus, I just feel like it's too good to be true.
There's no need for this negativity and I'm trying my hardest to block it out.
One bad day and it ruins me.
I'm trying to get back up, but it's really hard.

Someone graffittied my poster.

Quite cut actually.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles

Today, my cookie crumbled. My whole life crumbled.
It was one of the worst days I've had in a long time.
I spent so much time on the weekend, practising, practising and re-practising.
I wanted my music performance to be perfect. But then, I did what I always do.
I got nervous.
So nervous, that I mucked it up and all that practising went to waste.
All I wanted to do is cry, and I did.
I haven't cried for ages and it felt so good.
But now I feel sick.
My head is whirling.
I cried again later on, we didn't have a team for debating.
I let the stress get to me I guess.
Plus, I have to be 3rd speaker, something I'm a bit scared to do.
That me cry for the 3rd time.
Had a breakdwon in physics, when getting my marks.
The lowest mark I've gotten so far had been an A- so when I saw that C- written in red ink next to my name, I snapped.
Just broke in half, it was enough for me.
Kinda stupid to cry about these things, I guess.
But I couldn't stop.
I told myself it wasn't worth it, it won't achieve anything.
My eyes didn't fool so easily though.
They just continued to release tears to their little desire.
I got a hold of myself after one point, thought no more tears could come.
Then, I just started crying again, back to where I started.
Guess, I wasn't quite over it all yet.
Today was quite horrible, but what's done is done.
I can't go back and change it.
Cause I know I can't.
I'll try harder next time though, even though sometimes it's not my fault.
Things just happen that you can't change.
But you can change yourself, and that's what I'm gonna do.
DO, my music performance on Friday.
DO, my debating speech tonight.
DO, my next physics assignment to the bext of my ability.
And just like Burgen bread implies,
I'm a DO-er, not a GUNN- er.

To top it all off, the elastic in my underwear snapped.

Why?

Why?

Just simply, why?

There's no explanation though.

I don't know why I am afraid.

There isn't anything to be afraid of.

I'm scared, okay?

HATE TO ADMIT IT THOUGH.

I don't change. I like to know. I want to have some idea. I feel so lost. I can't see where I'm going. Or where I'm headed. The future is a moving blur. I just want to know. Why can't anyone tell me. Why don't I know.

And then there's more.

Why do I like you?

Why am I here?

Why don't you like me?

Why so many questions, but no answers?

Amazing.

Today, I found out you are amazing.
I always thought you were quite strange.
Asking me for stange favours, your fetish and how we always play pretend.
I'm in charge by the way
But what you told me today, stunned me.
I would of never expected it in a million years.
Don't get me wrong, you just didn't seem like that type of person.
And, I guess it my fault really.
I always am quick to judge.
I don't mean to, it just happens I guess.
The way we've all been raised.
This is good, this is bad.
That's just the way it is.
And yet again I've been proven wrong, on another person.
So, I apologise,
Deeply.

The howl of the wolf

Shout out to Tianna, who I found out reads my blog :)

Thank gosh, it's friday. But that only means there is like three weeks till exam block
- Gulp.

But, I wore a wolf hat today and it was very exciting. So that makes up for the stress.
I tried to howl like a wolf too, apparently I failed.

You have nice eyes

Your eyes open the door way to your soul and as far as I'm convinced you are a cold hearted, self centered brat. You have nice eyes though.
I do not know how you have deceived me and everyone else around you for so long.
You look so sweet an innocent, but your far from that.
Your lips produce lies just like a factory produces cars;
So many each day.
You like to rub it in my face that you are better than me. Better than me in every single aspect of life.
But whatever you might say, I know that it's not true.

So stop with the nonsense, there is no contest. I don't know what has gotten into you.

In the end I can live with out you.
I've tried before though, I didn't get very far.
Because in the end, I'm nothing without you.
And you do have, oh so beautiful eyes.

I hate mathematics with a passion

When first learning about radians we got issued with a warning. Make sure to check your calculator is on radians or degrees before starting. Just realised that I did my maths assignment all wrong. Instead of degrees, I used radians. I am so mad cause it took me like ages to do. Plus, I found every angle, something we didn't have to do but did anyway.
Arggh, I hate maths.

First impressions never count

People analysing - looking at strangers and classifying them into groups by their clothes, looks, who their with and where they are. I tend to do this quite alot and today I realised that I am usually very wrong. When getting to know the person, they are nothing what I fought they would be right. Maybe, its just me. I might be bad at reading people?
And then I fought, what do people think of me when they first see me? Apparently I looked alot older than I am, but what else do they think? And I guess I will never know.
In the end we all stereotype, even if we don't realise.

-Sigh.

Ooh, I and I got a new follower.
Hello, kristy!

Rofl.

Reni: I want to translate Australian to British.

Kyle: Reni in British means retard.

That right there, made me go on a hysterical high last night at 1 in the morning.

I hate school so much. It is a perfect day outside, might be a bit windy but it looks so lovely. I'm stuck inside doing assignments. Why can't it be the holidays? =(

One strong hot cocoa to go, thanks.

This word or that word?
Where to start?
Ideas floating around in the mind.
With no use, just sounding so detached.
This equation or that equation?
This note or that note?
So many things to do and so little time.
Assignment today, exam tomorrow.
Not knowing where to start.
Uncertainty fills the mind.
Busy, busy, busy.
Tick tock, tick tock the minutes go by.
Hour after hour still nothing done.
Then eventually silence fills the house.
Another day gone by and nothing done.

Dear world,

I have completed my English assignment and I needed to share this piece of information with you. I cannot express my feeling of relief at this very moment in time.

Sincerely,
Reni

The human knot,

So I'm guessing you know all that game where you link hands with someone across from you and try to get untangled?
Well it is definetely not as easy as it looks. The year 11 peer support attempted many times but had no sucess. We always ended up in the same place we started, a big massive knot. Some of us had body parts in positions we did not know were even possible but in the end the day was a whole lot of fun.

Going out to chinese tonight, yumm. Can't wait!
Happy 17th M.

Urges to do somersaults.

Homework can be compared to debt. Don't do it straight away and it just grows bigger and bigger until you cannot keep up any longer. It is only four weeks into the term and I am not able to stay on top of all this work. However, my homework mound is slowly starting to become smaller.

Definition of annoying: Finding the most awesomest, loveliest semi dress on the Internet to find out they don't stock it anymore. I am so mad.

Today was my first peer support training day and I loved it. I couldn't imagine a more incredible group of girls to be part of the team. The day was filled with lots of laughs, fun activities and deep reflection and getting to know our selves. Can't wait till tomorrow's session.

Random thought processes.

Issue 1.
Today, I got my finger nail stuck in between two piano keys. It was quite painful, please don't try it yourself.

Issue 2.
A sense of accomplishment has overcome me. I played my solo successfully at rehearsal today and those 6 bars will not overcome me. Apparently, the determination on my face can be seen when I maintain to hold that high D for a very slow 12 beats with a rit. I might turn purple, but I will hold that note till the end. Yes, just as Mr D said, "poor Renata will pass out over there, might be the first casualty on stage".

Issue 3.
My annoyance with the large amount of homework and assignments I am receiving has seriously become too much. There is so much to do, so little time and too many concepts to grasp. I can not wait till the holidays, 41 days. But hey, who's counting?

Issue 4.
My mother bought me a new jumper today. I saw it at chermside on a manikin like two weeks but there was only an XS. Oh my, I love her so much. She drove all the way to a different centre to buy it for me. Officially ecstatic :D

And finally issue 5.
What is the true definition of selfish and selfless.?These two words are commonly used in the wrong context. Society believes that being selfish is one of the worst qualities a person could possess. Most discoveries and steps forward in humanity are results of selfishness. Being selfish does not mean being greedy, it means putting your self first, speaking your mind. While if someone is selfless they are letting people walk right over them. Being selfish does not make you a horrible person, someone selfish might not let walk people walk right over them but they will be happy to die for you.

Forbidden fruit

When the word "sweetheart" leaves your lips it makes me shiver.
I trust you when you tell me that it's gonna be okay.
The advice that you give me makes my problems seem so petty, irrevelant, so easy to fix.
Your crooked smile brightens my day each time I see you.
Except you are forbidden.
Just like the sweet, succulent apple banned from Adam and Eve. You are my forbidden apple, the one I am afraid to touch, afraid to never try. Unlike Adam and Eve, I know I can't have you because it is just too wrong. Truthfully, it would never work.
And in the end I mean nothing to you, just another Mt A girl.

Now showing at Birch Caroll and Coyle Cinemas

- An advertisement for Mount Alvernia College, featuring me :)


Tis quite a lovely photo of me aswell.

Whilst I am discussing music, today's music class was the first one this year that I actually enjoyed. It seemed to make sense, I understood it and I was happy. I am also quite delighted with my composition, entitled mamma natura, or in other words mother nature. It depicts how nature can be beautiful but at the same time be very uncertain and change from calm and tranquil to dangerous and wild.

Shed no tear

Band rehearsal today was quite awful. I just can't seem to get my part right, I can't seem to get it, I want to give up but I know I can't. The same is with my English assignment, I can't do it. It's not making sense and I am just oh so frustrated. Everything seems like it doesn't make sense anymore. What is the point, there is no sense of spark left in my soul. I just want to throw it away and cry. Cry until there are no more salty, bitter tears left inside of me. Cry like there is no tomorrow. Cry until I am empty and then ready to fill up with new light.
I need a sense of inspiration, a new path to follow, a new mindset. I need a new tomorrow, starting from now.

Sweet Sixteenth.

I have returned from a sleep over party and suprisingly I am not tired.
The night included crazy dancing, a pass the parcel game with a twist, immense amounts of pizza and junkfood, watching movies which sadly; I was the first person to fall asleep but then later woke up, random conversations, photo taking, blanket stealing and laughing.
So thankyou very much, R, your living room provided me with a night of good memories.

I seem to have,

writer's block.

My english assignment is becoming immensely difficult.

I had ...

another strange dream last night involving homeroom, money and elevators.
a bludge in first period when maths was too overwhelming.
a super competitive much moment in chemistry when we tried to beat the other groups.
a patriotic moment when discussing polish customs.
a lunch time where I felt special and part of the team.
a sense of accomplishment during band.
a goold old laugh when going home.

I had, a good day :)

Sweet dreams

The power of dreaming is quite remarkable. Last night my sub concious mind dreamt that I was a fugitive that killed others, robbed banks, fled the state and tried to escape police. It was quite thrilling especially when my father had told me to continue the family legacy and I was trying to escape with my bestfriend but I couldn't tell her what was going on because I was scared she would tell on me. It was truely quite random. I have had strange dreams before, but I think this one will stay with me for a while.

Lets see what dream dictionary thinks of my dream.
To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt. The dream may also be a metaphor that you are feeling apprehensive about something.
Well, I kinda did start to like someone last night before I went to bed. I wasn't really feeling guilty as such.

To see a shooting in your dream, indicates that you have a set goal and know what you are aiming for in life. Your plans are right on target!
I guess I do know what I am striving for but I don't think my sub conciuos mind was telling me about this.
To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person.
To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.
I disagree with these two, I feel pretty happy and life is pretty swell :)

To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something.
I agree with this one, I do feel pretty on top of things at the moment.

To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.
I didn't know the person I shot, so the first part of this doesn't apply but I think the second part is pretty relevant. I think I killed the "scared, shy and afraid of change" part of myself. I want to try new things, be more out going and have new experiences.

Dreamdictionary my friend, you are pretty spot on this time.

Returning to reality

I am now back from my lovely 2 day holiday down at the Gold Coast and Byron Bay. It was exactly what I needed, living with my adopted family for the weekend, running wild in the hotel room, eating excessive amounts of ice cream and taking so much time to choose whats for dinner. Speaking of which, I feel mega fat but turns out I only put on 200g. I can't wait until next time I get to go away with the polish gang. I always feel so much better after going away and I feel so much better today than I did before I left.

Now, I am ready to tackle my mound of homework. That is the mega down side to returning back home.

So little time

There is something on my mind, but what exactly? I'm not too sure.
I have one of those "something bad is gonna happen feelings." I guess there is no reason to feel this way though. I feel like I am the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, as if I was running out of time and constantly need to be rushed along. But, I am going away for the long weekend tommorrow, so that will give me a chance to get a hold of things.

As hard as I try, I can never get it right. As much as I want it, I will never be choosen. As much as I don't want it, it'll always be me.

Ahoy!

The day has finally come!

Alleluia!

Yes, I have decided to start a blog. Now the only problem? ...

To have stuff to write about and to remember to write.

:D